I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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