don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
