is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
