You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
