i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
In America we eat man semen.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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