I'm so fucking centered right now
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
