Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
