Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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