I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
it's like iHOP with fire
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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