mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
