Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
