Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
