Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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