I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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