you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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