I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
