Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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