everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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