is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
