Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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