I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
