ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
