I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
