drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
