The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
