Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
