Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
