Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
