I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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