I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
