Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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