Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
