I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
