I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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