ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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