I'm passing your future prison.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
