i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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