My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
