Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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