I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
