The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
