Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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