What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
whose parrot is this?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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