why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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