She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
