I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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