I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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