She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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