dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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