life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
