there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
