I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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