And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
