My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
