Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
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i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
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Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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