Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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