You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
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You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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