first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
