life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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