Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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