well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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